


Fifteen Things That May Have Happened at Hogwarts

by heartofspells



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 14:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofspells/pseuds/heartofspells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fifteen things that may or may not have happened at Hogwarts during the Marauders last years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Banana

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the In the Halls of Hogwarts; 15 Prompt Challenge (created by xXSexGoddessXx) over at the HPFC forum. 
> 
> Details: Fifteen prompts were provided which could be used in any order. One prompt per chapter.
> 
> Prompt: Banana (All prompts will be highlighted in bold in the following chapters for the ease of the creater. Please do not confuse this with there being emphasis placed on a word. Any word where there should be emphasis, you will see italics.)

**1.** **Banana**

Remus opened the dormitory door and stopped mid-step. It looked like a disaster area. Textbooks were scattered all across the floor and beds. Robes were hanging from the posts and canopy tops and across the window sill. Socks and pants in various colors were dangling from the nightstands and the head of one Sirius Black, who was, as usual, in the centre of it all.

Remus shook his head and took another step into the room. He noticed something slimy, black, and covered in green speckles beside his foot. He nudged it experimentally with the toe of his trainer. It wiggled repulsively and Remus hurriedly side-stepped it.

“Sirius,” he asked in exasperation, “what in Merlin’s name do you think you’re doing?”

The raven-haired boy looked up from his task of tossing every possession within his trunk out into the room and leaped to his feet. “Moony,” he cried, grabbing onto Remus’ shoulders with both hands, “you’ve got to help me! I can’t find it.”

Remus knocked the (disturbingly) yellow pants off from atop Sirius’ head and gazed at him in confusion. “Can’t find what?” he asked.

“You remember that **banana** we charmed a while back?” Sirius said, a half-wicked, half-desperate gleam entering his grey eyes.

Remus stared at his lover in surprise. “ _That’s_ what you’re looking for?” Sirius nodded vigorously. “I threw it out over a week ago.”

“What?” Sirius yelped. “Why would you do that?”

“It was a piece of fruit, Sirius,” Remus sighed, his unlimited supply of patience taking over. “It was beginning to rot.”

“Bugger,” Sirius said mournfully. “I really liked that **banana**.”

Remus’ eyes sparked and he grinned deviously. “Would you like another banana, Sirius?” he asked innocently.

“What’s the point?” Sirius scoffed. “It’ll just rot again.” He glanced at Remus and his eyes widened slightly. “Oh… _oh_!” His grin spread to match Remus’.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A short time later, Lily Evans was found sitting in the common room. The portrait swung open and James Potter stepped through the hole. He was carrying his broom and had obviously just come back from Quidditch practise. Lily sunk down in her seat, praying Potter wouldn’t notice her. He strolled by obliviously and made his way up the boys’ dormitory steps.

Peace made its way through the common room. It was broken a moment later by a manly shriek of horror and a cry of, “Oh, sweet Merlin, my eyes!”

The inhabitants of the room glanced towards the staircase in confusion and a bit of apprehension. _What have they done now?_ Lily thought warily.

Another long moment of silence stretched out before Potter’s voice floated back down to the common room; softer than before, but containing a stilted mix of curiosity, abhorrence, and disbelief.

“ _What_ were you two ponces doing with those **bananas**?”


	2. Professor McGonagall

**2\. No, Professor McGonagall, I will not marry you**

“Why do I have to go as McGonagall?” Remus asked as he adjusted the altered robes and tweaked his hat.

“’Cause you make the best woman,” James answered as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. He scratched absently at his busy brown beard and pulled at his too big moleskin overcoat.

Peter raced to catch up as Remus sighed. “He’s right you know. And it could be worse,” the boy said and Remus glanced down at him as though daring him to prove it. “C’mon, Remus, you could be shrunk to half your original size and made to wear a button down vest and a scraggly white beard.”

There was the sound of pounding feet from the far corridor to their right and Sirius suddenly barreled around the corner and stopped directly before them. His hands patted his voluminous stomach complacently and he grinned at Remus.

“Why, my dear Minerva,” he cried, eyes widening in mock surprise, “you look simply ravishing tonight. Would you care for an escort to the Halloween Feast?” Sirius stuck his arm out in offering and winked at Remus.

“Er…” Remus said. James elbowed him in the side and motioned to the crowd they were beginning to draw. Remus sighed and straightened his back into a severe position, playing his part nicely. “That would be quite lovely, Horace. Thank you.” Remus hooked his arm through Sirius’ and they began to walk down the corridor, James and Peter following behind.

Sirius stopped after a few steps and turned to face Remus. “Minerva,” he said solemnly, “I simply cannot carry on in this way. I must confess my feelings for you, my dear.”

“Feelings, Horace?” Remus asked in bemusement.

“Yes, yes,” Sirius answered. “Feelings of the deepest kind. You’re eyes, they haunt me. They are like that of a cat’s standing within the darkest of nights beneath the shine of the stars.”

Remus wanted to shake his head in exasperation, but refused to break character. His eyes flicked behind Sirius and widened slightly. Sirius, of course, was oblivious. He reached forward and drew Remus into his arms, settling him against his robust stomach and chest securely.

“I have dreams, my dear,” he continued on. “Night after night, there they are, calling to me.”

“Oi!” a shout came from behind them and Remus thought it sounded suspiciously like James, the wanker. “Why don’t you give her a kiss then, Professor Slughorn?”

Remus opened his mouth to tell Sirius exactly _why_ that would not be an ideal thing to do at this precise moment, but Sirius was already dipping him backwards and meeting Remus’ lips with his. There were howls and yelled suggestions from the crowd behind them as Sirius pulled Remus out of the dip and set him right again. His eyes glinted in wicked amusement and Remus decided that since this had all been Sirius’ idea in the first place, he might as well give him some punishment for it.

He leaned forward and whispered something into Sirius’ ear softly. Sirius pulled back and his eyes were wide in both disbelief and silent question. Remus gazed at him, daring him to break his role. Sirius composed himself quickly and took a step back, pulling his trousers up as he walked.

“ **No, Professor McGonagall, I will not marry you** ,” he stated audaciously. “You are a saucy little minx, aren’t you my dear?”

He looked to Remus and waited impatiently for him to respond back. Remus, though, had his lips pressed tightly together, staring behind Sirius and trying his best not to laugh.

An odd expression crossed Sirius’ face before it suddenly fell and he said, “She’s right behind me, isn’t she?”

“Oh, yes, Horace,” McGonagall said endearingly and Remus imagined that to Sirius, it sounded like the voice of Death itself. “I have been for quite some time.”

Sirius sighed and turned to her, beaming innocently. “Minnie!” he cried. He looked back at Remus. “We have an imposter among us. We must do something about this problem.” He glanced back again, a look of puzzlement appearing on his face. “I honestly don’t know how I could have mistaken that doppelganger for you. There really is no comparison between your truest of beauty and that one’s simplicities.” He grabbed her hand and planted a smacking kiss upon the back of it.

McGonagall hummed and wrested her hand back from Sirius firm grip. “I appreciate the flattering remarks, but the feast will be starting soon. Perhaps you should escort my counterpart to the Great Hall, then.”

Sirius bowed low and reached back to pull Remus with him down the corridor. They made it all of four steps before they were forced to stop.

“Oh, and Professor Slughorn,” she called behind them.

“Yes?” Sirius asked, turning back to her.

She nodded to James and Peter who were barely containing their hysterical laughter. “Make sure you take Hagrid and Professor Flitwick with you. It would be a shame for them to miss the festivities.” She turned and walked away.

Three of the Marauders laughed the entire way down to the Hall. Sirius was flushed so red by the time they arrived that a first year mistook his head for a candied apple.

 


	3. Pumpkin Juice

**3\. Pumpkin Juice**

Remus and Sirius slid into their seats at the Gryffindor table across from James and Peter. They were both disheveled and puffing for breath after having run from their dormitory to the Great Hall, fearing they would be late and miss breakfast.

“It’s about time you two knobs showed up,” James said scornfully. “What were you doing up there anyhow?” Sirius opened his mouth to answer readily, but James held up a hand to stop him. “Never mind, I don’t think I want to know.”

Sirius grinned devilishly and his eyes glinted in mischief. He slid his hand beneath the table top and a moment later Remus yelped in surprise and stared at him in shock, his eyes reproachful. James glared at Sirius as he smirked back at the bespectacled wizard.

“You almost missed it,” Peter said as James eyes traveled down the table.

“Missed what?” asked Remus, selecting a piece of toast from the tray before him. Sirius snatched it out of his hands, tsking at him as he spread a generous amount of jam across the surface and offered it back to the werewolf. Remus rolled his eyes and accepted the toast.

“Prongs is about to ask Evans out again,” Peter answered around a mouthful of porridge.

“James,” Remus sighed, “do you really think –?”

James flapped a hand in his face, cutting him off and said, “Shh, Moony. Here she comes.”

He turned around in his seat and waited until the girl was directly in front of him before he shouted, “Oi, Evans, all right?”

Lily Evans stopped short and turned to face him. “What do you want, Potter?”

James grinned. “Why, the pleasure of your company in Hogsmeade, of course.” He ruffled his hair with a hand. “What d’you say, Evans? Sounds like an all right idea to me.”

Evans stared at him for a long moment in thoughtful silence. Suddenly, she smiled beatifically and walked up next to him. She leaned forward, hands resting on either side of his body as his back pressed into the edge of the table top. Her arms brushed his and her legs situated themselves between his.

“James?” she purred, lifting a hand and running a finger down the side of his face.

“Yes, Lily?” he said in a breathless whisper.

Sirius turned to Remus in shock, wanting to be reassured that he was actually seeing what he thought he was. He was surprised to see that Remus’ eyes had narrowed in disbelieving puzzlement. Sirius shook his head and turned back to the scene before them. The Gryffindor table had fallen silent, every student watching attentively.

“I don’t think you’ll be able to go to Hogsmeade with me any time soon,” she continued in the same low voice.

“Why’s that?” James asked in bemusement.

There was a splash and the table was suddenly covered in orange liquid. James’ eyes had widened in astonishment behind his sopping wet fringe. Lily set the empty glass of **pumpkin juice** back down on the wooden surface and smiled.

“Because you have to take a shower, dear.”

The entire Hall roared with laughter as Lily walked away and James turned back to his friends, spluttering as juice flew everywhere. Remus shook his head and returned to his breakfast and Peter focused on cleaning and drying his own robes where the juice had fallen on him as well.

Sirius looked at James sympathetically. “Sorry, mate,” he said. “Better luck next time, eh?”

James finally regained his voice and uttered an incredulous, “She _touched_ me...”


	4. Brick Wall

**4\. You’re as thick as a brick wall**

Potions had never been Remus’ strong suit. That was why – amid many other reasons which no one needed to know about but them – Sirius had been his partner since the middle of first year. He always helped Remus with whatever he stumbled over, explaining carefully or guiding his hands gently. Remus felt that he truly had improved, or so he liked to think.

That particular day, Remus was proved drastically wrong.

Sirius was supposed to be helping him on the difficult N.E.W.T. level potion they had been assigned. Instead, James and he, who was seated with Peter in front of them, were playing together between the two tables with something James had found in the corridor. Remus shook his head and tried to block out the sounds of their bickering, focusing on the task at hand.

He dropped the slightly over shredded wings of a Lacewing Fly in to the cauldron. It sizzled and popped furiously, turning a nasty green colour. Remus consulted his book and winced. Well, that certainly wasn’t right. It was supposed to be a nice pastel yellow. His nose wrinkled at the strong odor emanating from the cauldron.

“Sirius, are you mad?” James cried softly. “Give that back to me, you berk!”

Sirius turned the magazine – _so that’s what it is_ , Remus thought to himself – sideways and peered intently at something within it.

“I don’t understand what you see in them,” he muttered, eyes squinting as though searching for a hard to find detail. “For one, the pictures don’t even move.”

“That’s because it’s obviously a Muggle magazine,” James ground out between his teeth.

Sirius ignored him. “And what’s so attractive? They’ve got all these curves and lumps all over. I don’t find that particularly appealing.”

Remus was slowly pouring a critical ingredient into the cauldron when Sirius shoved the magazine under his nose. Remus started violently and the remaining ingredients fell in.

“Moony, do you find these birds at all attractive?”

He looked down and choked when he saw pictures upon pictures of naked women. “Sirius, what in Merlin’s name –?”

Remus was cut off as the potion suddenly made a ‘blurging’ sound and started to fizz and boil.

“Well,” Sirius said after a contemplative moment, staring fearfully into the cauldron, “that certainly isn’t good.”

James’ eyes jerked back to them, widening owlishly behind his glasses in panic. “Quick,” he whispered urgently, standing up, “Slughorn’s coming. Give me the magazine back.”

James made a wild grab, but missed, his foot catching on the table leg. He tripped and flew across the table, slamming into the cauldron and bringing it with him as he fell to the floor.

Silence reigned throughout the Potion’s classroom as the students stared at what had happened. Remus’ mouth opened and closed in shock as Sirius peered around him to where James was.

“Mate,” the dark haired wizard said, barely containing his amusement, “ **you’re as thick as a brick wall**.”

James made no reply, because he was, in fact, a solid brick wall.


	5. Saint Nick

**5\. Saint Nick**

 

It came to them, shockingly enough, from Sirius’ own stupidity. Christmas was heavy in the air throughout Hogwarts and the holiday cheer was rather infectious. Sirius, being the madman that he was, decided to honour his friends by dressing up as Father Christmas himself and showering them with gifts. Literally.

Sirius threw his arms into the air and sweets of all varieties rained down upon the three other boys’ heads. James and Peter laughed and cheered like five year olds while Remus simply smiled.

“Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of Rum,” Sirius cried, presenting James with a large bottle of alcohol.

“I think you’re confusing yourself with a pirate, mate,” James said, accepting the offering gratefully.

Remus shook his head. “Sirius, love, you do know that it’s still two weeks ‘til Christmas, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Peter said suddenly, giving Sirius a gracious nod as he was handed a large bag of Zonko’s joke products. “We haven’t even done our Christmas prank yet.”

“Which we still need to come up with an idea for,” James pointed out in a murmur, examining his bottle. “Cor, Sirius! Where did you find this? It’s over fifty years old!”

Sirius wiggled a finger in James’ face. “No, no. **Saint Nick** never reveals his secrets of the trade.”

Remus, who was in the process of biting off the head of a Chocolate Frog, choked. Sirius rushed over in a frenzied panic and beat him forcefully on the back. When Remus could breathe again, Sirius grabbed his face in both hands.

“Remus, Moony, you all right?” he questioned frantically. “Are you suffering? Have your lungs burst?” One hand moved to Remus’ chest and a finger started poking him roughly.

“Ow! Sirius, you bleeding idiot, I’m fine,” the werewolf protested, pushing Sirius’ finger out of his naval. “Quit poking me like I’m the pudding at your next meal.”

Sirius huffed and backed away as James asked curiously, “What was all that about, Moony? I’ve never known you to let perfectly good chocolate go to waste.”

“I had an idea for the prank,” he answered. “Sirius gave it to me.”

“I did?” Sirius asked, instantly perking up again and straightening from his slouched pouting session. If he had been Padfoot, his tail would have been wagging violently. He looked thoughtful for a moment before shaking his head. “If I gave it to you, why can’t I remember what it is?”

Remus sighed in exasperation and rolled his eyes, ignoring Sirius’ comment. He motioned the three boys closer and they gathered round in a tight circle. As Remus explained his idea, their eyes lit up with unbelievable mischief.

Ten minutes later, they raced out of the common room to prepare. Sirius was still in his costume.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You know,” Sirius said as they made their way down to dinner the last night before the holiday began, “maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. I’m still getting comments and snickers about that outfit.”

“Worried, Pads?” James asked, smirking.

“No!” Sirius cried. He lowered his voice when other people in the corridor started miming Santa Claus and laughing. “I just think it will throw more focus on me instead of the prank.”

“In other words,” Remus spoke up from beside him, “he’s terrified that this will cause people to remember his unfortunate incident for twice as long.”

Peter chuckled as Sirius gaped and glared at Remus. “It really is your own fault, mate,” Peter said. “Running out of the common room and through the school dressed like that. What did you think would happen?”

Sirius scowled. “Shut up, Wormtail,” he snapped sourly as he turned back to Remus. “And that’s not fair, Moony. You know me too well. I’m going to have to seal your mouth closed later, aren’t I?” He grinned wickedly.

“For the love of Merlin!” James yelped, shoving his fingers in his ears. “I did not need to hear that! What you two poufs do behind those _closed_ bed curtains is your business and only _yours_.”

Sirius winked at Remus and sidled up to James, wrapping an arm around his waist. “It can be your business, too, if you like,” he whispered in the bespectacled boy’s ear. “I’m sure Remus wouldn’t object.”

“Gah!” James exclaimed as he pushed a laughing Sirius into Remus’ arms and started brushing his hands over his body frantically. “I feel as though I’ve been violated seven different ways.”

The other three laughed as they continued on their way down to the Great Hall. James glared at them and refused to speak until the doors flew open and carols began to play throughout the Hall.

“Brilliant,” he murmured loudly, “it’s time.”

The boys grinned and turned to see Nearly-Headless-Nick floating into the room. The students’ conversations died on their lips as they gawked at the friendly ghost.

“Ho, ho, ho,” Nick said jollily, “and a happy Christmas to all!” His expanded stomach wiggled like a bowl full of Jello beneath the red suit. “I come bearing gifts for everyone!”

Nick lifted the large, red velvet bag over his shoulder and the boys waved their wands beneath the table. Sweets soared and flew all over the Hall, showering students and professors alike.

“Now,” Nick cried, “none of you seem to be in the holiday spirit. We must change that. I find I am in desperate need of some helpers.”

Nick waved his hand and the Marauders did the same with their wands. The Hall filled with shrieks. Half the students’ ears had morphed into pointed tips and their clothes had been changed into green suits. Their shoes jingled every time they moved their feet. The other half had antlers sprouting from the top of their heads while their noses lengthened into black nubs. The girls started to panic as a light, thin layer of coarse brown fur covered their faces.

The only one in the Great Hall who looked any different was Sirius Black. He stared across the table at James – who was grinning madly – through his bushy white beard. He lifted red-clothed arms to his face in horror, his mouth opening and closing silently.

“What’s this?” Nick asked in bewilderment as he floated towards them. “An imposter, you are! What is the meaning of this? I am the real **Saint Nick**!”

The students surrounding them began to laugh. Sirius gave Remus a pleading look as he slid beneath the table, flushing furiously, completing his costume. He refused to emerge again until the last student had cleared the Hall hours later.


	6. Voldemort's Nipple

**6\. Voldemort’s Nipple**

Remus stepped into the common room from the dormitory steps. He glanced around in search of his friends and found them seated before the fireplace on the hearth, surrounded by a large group of people. Lily Evans was in the centre, scowling down at Sirius.

Remus sighed and warily made his way over and through the crowd of students. He paused and cocked his head to the side, unsure of what he was seeing.

James, Peter, and Sirius were leaning over a low table, staring at what looked to be…a Muggle game board.

“Black!” Lily reprimanded. “That is completely inappropriate.”

Sirius smiled up at her charmingly. “Only for you, Evans.”

Lily scowled and glanced up at him. “Your friends are idiots, Remus,” she stated, crossing her arms in frustration.

Sirius’ head jerked up and his eyes widened in delight. “Moony!” he cried. “Come to snog and have your wicked way with me?”

James threw a wooden block at his head. “Shut _up_ about that, Padfoot. You’re embarrassing me in front of Evans!”

Sirius stuck his tongue out childishly and Remus shook his head. “I know,” he sighed to Lily.

“Oi!” Sirius yelled at him in indignation.

“Honestly, Pads!” he said in exasperation, rolling his eyes. “Are you sixteen or six?”

“Bit in-between, I think,” Peter mumbled thoughtfully as he gazed at a group of wooden blocks before him. The lid of a box came down upon Peter’s head roughly and he yelped in surprise. “Ow! Sirius, that hurt!”

“Take it back,” Sirius demanded. “That’s not true.”

Peter rubbed his head gently and glared at Sirius. “You just proved my point,” he grumbled.

Sirius considered Peter’s words for a few silent seconds before shrugging and laying the box close to his side for safe keeping.

“What is it you three are doing, exactly?” Remus asked curiously, choosing to ignore the argument. Sirius grinned brightly.

“We’re playing a Muggle game Evans told us about,” he explained as Remus provided Lily with a questioning glance. She sighed and hung her head. “It’s called ‘Skrattle’. It’s brilliant!”

“It’s ‘Scrabble’, Black,” she admonished in a tone of failing patience as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. “The game is called ‘ _Scrabble_ ’.”

Sirius flapped at hand in her direction as Remus leaned over to take a closer look at the game board. He blinked a couple times, wondering if he was imagining what he was seeing. No, it was still there.

“Er…” he began uncertainly, “are you positive that you’re playing it right?”

Sirius’ smile grew wider. “We are wizardifying it.”

“’Wizardifying’ is not a word, Sirius,” Remus stated automatically, knowing he was fighting a losing battle.

Sirius cocked his head in thought. “Marauderifying?”

Remus massaged his temple. “Never mind,” he said quickly. “I could understand just the names, but why is there body parts included?”

“Because they’ve turned a perfectly good game of Scrabble into something horribly pornographic for their own twisted amusements,” Lily snapped.

“We have not,” James interjected. “We had this idea about teaching lessons. History of Magic and Health combined with Spelling.”

Remus gawked. “You can’t be serious?”

“No, that’s me,” Sirius replied cheekily. Peter grabbed the box and knocked him round the head with it. “Ow!”

“Serves you right,” James snorted out and Sirius glared at him.

“Sirius?” Remus asked tentatively, still studying the board. _Surely not_ , he thought.

“Yes, my darling Moonykins?” Sirius sing-songed.

“Does – does that actually say ‘Grindelwald’s bollocks’?” Remus truly wished he could be speechless.

Sirius glanced at the board, grinning proudly. “Would you believe it?” he said. “That one actually got me fifty-three points!”

Remus simply gaped.

“Speaking of,” James said, “it’s your turn again, Pads.”

Sirius turned back to the game and studied his letter tiles. He grinned suddenly and winked at Remus as he began to place his pieces on the board.

R – E – M – U – S – C – O

Remus’ eyes widened. “Stop!” he shouted. “Game’s over. You’re not even supposed to make two words, Sirius.”

“We modified the rules a bit,” he said innocently. “’Sides, the game can’t be over yet. No one’s won.”

“You want to bet?” Remus asked. He waved his wand and the game packed back into the box neatly. He levered it under his arm and turned towards the stairs. “I’ll return this to you later, Lily.”

“Not on, Moony!” James cried to his retreating back.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, as they were on their way to Transfiguration, Sirius noted that Remus was in an oddly good mood considering the events of the night before. Normally, the werewolf would show some form of disapproval for at least half the day, but not _that_ particular day. He had even studied and practised some obscure wand movement at breakfast instead of providing them with his usual lecture.

Sirius dealt with this the way he did most confusing problems: he shrugged his shoulders and forgot about it.

The four boys entered the class and took their usual seats near the back. As McGonagall began her lesson, Sirius tuned her out, choosing to doodle on his parchment instead.

He was just placing the final touches on his and Remus’ pirate hats when the professor snapped, “Mr. Black, since you feel you know enough about this lesson to not pay attention, would you please inform the rest of the class what the incantation is for changing hair colour?”

Sirius opened his mouth to reply with the answer – which he _did_ know, thank you – but all that emerged was, “Potter’s arse.”

He slapped his hands over his mouth and his eyes widened as muffled snickers sounded around the room.

McGonagall glared. “Just what do you think you’re doing, Mr. Black?”

“ **Voldemort’s nipple** ,” he responded in shock.

James was trying incredibly hard to contain his loud guffaws behind Sirius. McGonagall’s sharp eyes turned to him.

“What is so very funny, Mr. Potter?” she asked threateningly.

“Er…” he began, his smile fading, “Dumbledore’s knickers?” His eyes widened as well and he stared at Sirius.

McGonagall’s lips pressed into a thin line. “Report to my office tonight for detention.”

“Circe’s tits!” Sirius cried, though that wasn’t what he had intended to say _at all_.

McGonagall walked away and Sirius turned to Remus in panic. The other boy was leaning back in his chair leisurely, a grin playing upon his lips.

“I win,” he said smugly.

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never actually been a large fan of Scrabble, so please forgive me if I jumbled up some of the rules.


	7. Giant Squid

**7\. Giant Squid**

“Er…Sirius?” Remus asked in bemusement.

“Yes, Moony?” Sirius replied without looking up from his task.

“I’m probably going to regret asking this, but what are you doing?”

“Proving a point,” the ebony-haired boy responded, his tongue poking out from between his teeth.

“And exactly what point do you require the use of a fishing pole to prove?”

Well, Remus _thought_ it was a fishing pole. It looked like one except it was about three times as long and was missing its traditional reel. On the end of the line, which dangled over the surface of the lake, was what looked like a squirming Chocolate Frog. Remus was quite puzzled indeed.

Sirius sighed. “James bet me four Galleons that the **Giant Squid** doesn’t like sweets.”

“Ah,” Remus murmured, “I see. Why a Chocolate Frog?”

“They’re feisty,” Sirius replied with a scoff as though it should have been obvious. It really wasn’t. “When you fish, it’s the wriggling of the worm that attracts the fish’s attention.”

Remus’ eyebrows rose. How did _Sirius_ know anything about _fishing_?

“And you’re hoping to catch the Squid’s attention the same way then, is that right?”

“Precisely,” Sirius said with a grin.

Remus hummed. “One more question,” he said casually. “How long have you been sitting out here?”

“’Bout five hours or so,” Sirius replied.

Remus shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, seating himself next to Sirius on the bank.

After a long while, he asked, “If he doesn’t eat it, can I?”

Sirius finally looked at him. “Only if you dress up like the Squid so that James will think I won.”

“Deal,” Remus agreed, settling in to wait.


	8. Professor Binns

**8\. Professor Binns is absolutely the best teacher I have ever had the pleasure of knowing**

“Oi, Remus, give me that Chocolate Frog card you got earlier,” Sirius said.

“Why?” Remus asked in puzzlement. “It’s Dumbledore. You’ve got loads of him.”

“Because I’m making you something, that’s why,” the Animagus snapped out with a bite of impatience. “And I need the card to make it.”

“Shh,” Peter said from behind them.

Remus and Sirius ignored him.

“So that’s where all my cards have got to,” Remus mused. He turned to Sirius and grinned wickedly. “So what are you making me?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “It’s a surprise. Now give me the card.”

Remus pulled the card out of his bag and held it just out of Sirius’ reach between his index and middle fingers, studying it contemplatively. “What sort of surprise?” he asked innocently.

“Honestly, Moony, with all your ramblings you do about words and grammar, you’d think you would know the meaning of the word ‘surprise’,” Sirius scoffed.

“But what if I don’t like it?” Remus continued diligently, his lips quirking with barely contained amusement. “I’d hate for you to go through all that trouble for something I won’t even like.”

“Trust me, you’ll like it,” Sirius ground out.

“Yes, but how do you _know_?” the werewolf asked teasingly.

“Because I know _you_.” Sirius made a desperate leap for the card, but Remus simply pulled it further away, grinning openly. Sirius flopped loudly across their joined table in defeat and pouted.

“What are you two ponces doing up there?” James called loudly from his position beside Peter. “Sirius, you can’t get off with Remus in the middle of class. Think of the children, man, think of the children!” Sirius scowled back at him.

“Will you lot shut it?” Peter snapped. “I’m trying to listen!”

“Honestly, Pete,” Sirius commented casually as he stretched himself across the table and stared up at Remus with the best imitation of a puppy he could manage, “we all know you have some sort of hidden reverence for History of Magic – for some reason I can’t seem to fathom – but don’t you think you’re taking it a bit far?”

“Stop staring at me like that, Pads,” Remus admonished. “It isn’t going to work.”

“I am not taking it too far,” Peter huffed out, “I simply want to hear what Binns is saying.”

“So be quiet and listen then,” James told him. “Remus, what _is_ Sirius doing?”

“Apparently, he’s making me a surprise and, according to him, he needs this card to do it, along with my others that he’s stolen,” Remus answered, still gazing at the card he was twirling tauntingly between his fingers.

“Really? What’s this surprise, then?” James asked excitedly. He paused and looked thoughtful for a long moment. “Hang on. What could you possibly make out of cards?”

Sirius sighed in exasperation. He was beginning to wonder why he even bothered. Some people just didn’t understand the art of subtlety.

“Lots of things,” he answered airily. “Houses, boats, dragons…” He sat up suddenly and glared back at James. “I’m not going to _tell_ you. That would ruin it.”

“What if Remus doesn’t like it, though?” said James demurely, a wicked glint entering his eyes.

Sirius shook his head in frustration and was about to answer when Peter suddenly stood from his chair and pointed an incensed finger at them.

“All three of you, shut it,” he cried. “I’m trying to listen and you’re ruining the lecture for me. **Professor Binns is absolutely the _best_ teacher I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.** He and no one else in this class deserve to be distracted by you lot!”

Peter stopped, panting for breath, glaring at his three friends as they gazed back at him in shock. A snicker broke out across the room and Peter started in surprise. Sirius turned to see the entire class’ attention focused on the smaller boy, including the ever oblivious Professor Binns.

The ghost cleared his throat and said, “I appreciate the support, Mr. Poppingmore, but please retake your seat. You are disrupting the class.”

Peter slowly lowered himself back down, his cheeks flaming red. James clapped him on the back.

“Way to go, mate! You just won me five Galleons.” He stuck his hand out to Sirius expectantly. “Told you something would eventually get his attention, didn’t I?”


	9. Amortentia

**9\. Amortentia**

“Padfoot!”

“Mmghn. Oi!  Let go of me, you wanker!” Sirius shouted as he was forcibly dragged away from Remus. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“I don’t care,” James said breathlessly. “I need your help and you can snog your boyfriend anytime you like.”

“Yet it’s never enough,” Sirius said, gazing mournfully at a startled looking Remus as he was pulled backwards down the corridor.

 _And it was such a lovely alcove too_ _,_ he thought despairingly.

“Stop your wallowing and come on!” James cried. “The sooner we get this over with, the quicker you’ll be back with him.”

“Prongs, calm down. What the bloody hell is so damn important?” Sirius turned around and stared at his friend. “Hang on a tick; I’ve seen that look before.”

Of course he’d seen that look before. Many times, actually. The blown pupils, the flushed cheeks, the determinedly set jaw; they were all signs of one very common thing.

“This is about Evans again, isn’t it?” Sirius sighed out in defeat. Of course it was bloody well was. James Potter’s insanity was _always_ about Lily Evans.

“I’ve had it, Sirius,” James said desolately. “I can’t take it anymore. I have to get her to like me somehow and there’s only one way left that I know how to do that.”

Sirius studied him closely. There was something decidedly off about James, that much was certain. The words he was spouting were those of a desperate, drowning man.

“And what way would that be, Prongs?” Sirius asked tentatively.

James leaned in and whispered into Sirius’ ear. Sirius’ eyes widened and he pulled back to look at the other boy in shock. And then it was official. James Potter had finally cracked.

“You can’t be serious?” he said in astonishment.

James’ eyes shifted around the corridor in search of any eavesdroppers. They trained back on Sirius as he said, “Deadly so.”

Sirius was silent for a long while, simply staring at his friend in open-mouthed shock. When he was finally able to speak again, he said softly, “James, mate, you know I can’t let you do this.”

“Why not?” James snapped out.

“Well, because it’s immoral, for one.” James merely snorted and Sirius continued hesitantly. “And massively illegal.”

James gawked. “Because nothing else we’ve ever done has been illegal?” He mimed a pair of antlers atop his head with his hands and Sirius was hit with the ridiculous urge to laugh. This, of course, was no laughing matter and he contained himself.

“Yeah, but – James, we did _that_ to help Remus,” Sirius tried to reason. “We didn’t hurt anyone. What you’re talking about, it’s messing with a person’s free will. It’s just not right.”

“I don’t care anymore, Sirius,” James said, his eyes hardening. “All I want is Lily.”

Sirius gaped at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re actually saying that.”

“What I’m saying doesn’t matter!” James yelled in a fit of frustration. He paused as his eyes widened a bit and he held up his hands. “Wait, it – it does, but, well –“

Sirius’ eyebrows rose in baffled confusion. James huffed and shook his head.

“You know what I mean,” he snapped. “Will you please just help me, Pads?”

Sirius stared at his best friend in silence, thinking hard. The other boy’s pleading eyes watched him with half concealed hope. James bounced from foot to foot impatiently as he watched Sirius in anticipation.

 _Fine then_ _,_ Sirius thought. _If James refuses to see the horror of what he’s doing, I’ll just help him budge up a bit._

Sirius smiled “’Course I’ll help you, mate,” he said. James sighed in relief.

“Thanks, Padfoot, you’re the best,” he gushed before he latched onto Sirius’ arm and began pulling him down the corridor again. “Now, come on! I’ve already got everything set up.”

Sirius shrugged to himself as he followed obediently. _Might as well have some fun with it_ _,_ he thought.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning dawned bright and early – without, Sirius was most unpleased to announce, anymore alone time with Remus – and he and James made their way down to breakfast without the others. When they arrived, the Gryffindor table was still mostly empty, which James stated was good because it reduced the number of prying eyes.

Sirius had been assigned the task of distracting Lily Evans while James stealthily slipped his concoction into her morning tea.

“Oi, Evans!” he called loudly as James meandered his way around behind her.

“What do you want, Black?” she sighed in weary agitation. “It’s far too early to listen to your drivel.”

Sirius gripped his chest in mock heartbreak. “Your words wound me, Evans!” he cried. “I simply wished to tell you how lovely you look this fine morning.”

“Oi!” James shouted, coming up beside Sirius as though he had just arrived. “Not on, mate!”

Sirius motioned for peace with his hands. “Simply an observation, Prongs, that’s all.”

Evans snorted. “Don’t you have your own…someone to observe?” she asked, her eyes training on the double doors. Sirius’ head jerked around so quickly that his neck cricked painfully. All thoughts of pain were immediately banished from his mind when he saw Remus walking into the Great Hall.

“Moony!” he shrieked in delight as he bounded forward and pounced on the werewolf.

“Ooff,” Remus exhaled forcefully. “Easy, Sirius. Honestly, sometimes you act like you haven’t seen me in months.” Sirius snuffled at the other boy’s neck like Padfoot and Remus snickered and tried to push him away. “Stop it, Pads; that tickles.”

Sirius beamed as he pulled away and led Remus over to the table where James was seated. Peter followed soon after and plopped down across from Sirius, eying him and James suspiciously.

“Why were you two in such a hurry this morning?” he asked as he methodically buttered a piece of toast.

James balked a bit at Peter’s question, but Sirius covered expertly.

“Lily-wooing,” he replied casually.

“Ah,” said Peter simply, his eyes returning to the food. Remus, however, continued to look suspicious.

“So, what did he drag you away for last night, then?” he whispered in Sirius’ ear.

Sirius shrugged. “Just needed a bit of help.” He grinned as he pulled a small vial from his pocket and wiggled it between his and Remus’ sides. “And this is my revenge. Distract him for me, will you?”

Remus’ eyes widened slightly. “It’s not going to – hurt him, is it?”

Sirius smirked. “This?” he said, pointing to the vial. “No, it won’t. Lily Evans, on the other hand…”

Remus sighed and shook his head as he went about the task of distracting James. Sirius took the opportunity to place a couple drops of the vial’s contents in his pumpkin juice.

A short time passed and James’ eyes suddenly trained on Evans as she lifted her tea to her mouth for a drink. Her lips pursed and she stared into her teacup in displeasure. Her gaze slowly moved to James and his eyes lit up in excitement.

She took a deep breath and said, “Potter, what did you do to my tea? It tastes foul.”

James gaped in disbelief and looked at Sirius in silent question. Sirius merely shrugged in confusion.

“Answer me, Potter, or I’ll turn you into a fish,” Evans threatened.

James took a long drink of his pumpkin juice and swallowed hard before turning back to the incensed redhead and saying, “I tried to put **Amortentia** in it.”

James clapped his hands over his mouth and his eyes widened in horror. Sirius watched Evans. It could have just been a trick of the light, but he could have sworn her green eyes flashed red. James’ foot nudged Sirius’ and he motioned to his mouth questioningly. Sirius smirked at him across the table.

“Free will for free will, mate,” he said calmly. “It’s a fair trade.”

James glared at him for a moment, but was suddenly out of his seat and racing from the Hall with an enraged Lily Evans directly behind him.

“James Potter,” she screeched, “turning into a fish will be the _least_ of your worries when I’m finished with you!”


	10. Teddy Bear

**10\. Teddy Bear**

Sirius sighed as he rolled onto his back in his bed. It was late, it was dark, and it was quiet. Too quiet, in his personal opinion. Sirius Black thrived on sound, light, and energy. Drop him in a place where he had none of that and he near went mad. Especially when he couldn’t make himself bloody well _fall asleep_.

He huffed in frustration and flung his arms over his head, covering his eyes. He breathed deeply and forced his muscles to relax against the mattress. When sleep still would not come, Sirius searched his mind for something that would lull him into oblivion. _Remus._

Sirius started at the top and worked his mind’s eye down. He thought about Remus’ hair in the sun and how it turned an almost blonde colour from the shine. Then he thought about it in the dullest of lights and how it turned so dark, it seemed almost chocolate in appearance. He thought about Remus’ skin and how so very pale and soft it was. He thought about how with the smallest, lightest of nips from his teeth he could turn it the darkest of purples.

Sirius thought about Remus’ eyes. Oh, those liquid, honey-brown eyes that caused his heart to beat and his body to tremble in unimaginable ways. He thought about the way they sparkled with mischief when Remus smiled and how they flamed with fire when he was in Sirius’ arms.

Sirius thought about Remus’ voice, the sound that danced through all of his dreams and soothed him like nothing else ever could. He smiled at the remembrance of the amused tone it took on when Remus was particularly humoured by Sirius’ and James’ antics. He thought about how the boy’s voice dropped several octaves when Remus and he were alone together and there was no one around to hear the gentle words they whispered into one another’s ear.

Sirius was just drifting off into slumber, a promised dream pulling more and more on his consciousness, when he heard a murmured, “Ouch” along with a muffled sound as someone hit the corner of his trunk. His eyes snapped open and he pounced to the end of his bed and jerked his hangings back.

James was crouched in front of his trunk. When he saw Sirius staring at him, his hands immediately moved behind his back. Sirius’ eyes narrowed.

“ _What_ are you doing?” he hissed.

“Nothing,” James responded quickly. Too quickly. He seemed to realise this and tried again. “I was looking for the Dungbombs you bought in Hogsmeade a week ago.”

“Liar,” Sirius stated. “Thief!”

“What?” James yelped, his eyes widening in the perfect imitation of innocence. “I’m not a thief!”

“Yes you are!” Sirius cried. “James Potter, you are stealing my **teddy bear**!”

“I am not,” James scoffed. “Why would I want that thing?”

“Why wouldn’t you? He’s cute and fluffy,” Sirius replied, his voice rising in agitation. “You _are_ stealing my bear!”

“Am not.”

“Are to.”

“No, I’m not!” James shouted.

“What’s behind your back then?” Sirius snapped.

The curtains around Remus’ and Peter’s beds opened and their groggy faces appeared in the faint light coming from the window.

“What the bloody hell is all the noise?” Remus asked irately.

“Yeah,” Peter said, rubbing his eyes blearily. “I was having a great dream about that bird in Ravenclaw.”

James snorted. “Honestly, Pete, just ask the girl out already.”

“I think we’re getting away from the subject at hand,” Sirius growled.

“Which would be what, exactly?” Remus questioned as he sat next to Sirius on the mattress.

Sirius pointed at James. “He’s trying to nick my **teddy bear**!”

Peter’s eyes widened comically. “Not Mr. Fluffkins?” he said in stunned disbelief.

“Yes Mr. Fluffkins,” Sirius hissed.

Remus shook his head. “Not on, mate,” he admonished. “Why in the world would you want to steal Mr. Fluffkins? What’s he ever done to you?”

“I am not nicking _Mr. Fluffkins_ ,” James said in disgust. He rolled his eyes. “Honestly, Sirius, who names anything something that horrible.”

“Oi! I was three!” he protested. Suddenly, he smirked. The next thing anyone knew, Sirius had launched himself over the end of his bed and had tackled James backwards to the floor. The following scuffle would go down in Marauder history.

Sirius sported a remarkable black eye for the next two weeks, but he considered it completely worth it. Mr. Fluffkins was safe and sound within a hex-warded cupboard.


	11. Peanut Butter and Jelly Time

**11\. Peanut butter and jelly time**

“Sirius!” James cried, coming up behind the boy and causing him to jump in surprise.

“Merlin, Prongs,” he complained, wincing and rubbing his ear, “did you turn into a bird overnight? The pitch of your voice is wreaking havoc on my hearing.”

James scowled and his fist connected with Sirius’ arm. “I’m not a girl,” he objected.

“Could have fooled me,” Sirius snorted.

“Shut it, you tosser,” snapped James. “I’ve got something to show you. My cousin went to America and brought something back for me.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up in wicked delight. “Really?” he asked, eying his friend in search of the promised ‘something’. “What is it, then?”

James reached into his robe pocket and pulled out a plastic jar covered in multicoloured paper. It was labeled as something called ‘Jif’ which Sirius thought was a rather odd name.

“Er…what is it?” he asked in confusion.

James studied the jar. “It’s something called peanut butter,” he answered.

“How can a peanut be butter?” Sirius questioned. “And what d’you do with it?”

James shrugged. “Dunno, really, but you eat it.”

Sirius snorted in amusement. “Your cousin travelled all the way to another country and brought back _food_?”

“He’s a rather boring bloke, in all honesty,” James replied thoughtfully. “Comes from Mum’s side of the family. But listen, Sirius, this stuff is brilliant. You have to try it!”

Sirius studied the creamy brown goo in distaste as James unscrewed the lid and offered it to him. He stuck a tentative finger to the inside of the rim and then lifted it to his mouth, allowing his tongue to flick out experimentally to taste it. His eyes widened in surprise.

“That’s – that’s,” he stuttered, unable to find the words.

“Peanut butter?” James offered, grinning madly.

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed. “Cor, that’s bloody delicious!”

“Told you,” James said smugly. “My cousin said there were loads of different things you could combine it with…”

Sirius reached over and grabbed James’ arm. “Let’s go!” he cried, pulling the other boy in the direction of the kitchens.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remus was lounging on his bed in the seventh year boys’ dormitory, relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet when the door was suddenly flung open and crashed loudly against the wall. Remus sighed, wondering why he was so surprised that it hadn’t lasted.

Sirius bounded over to him excitedly and demanded, “Open your mouth.”

Remus’ eyebrows rose. “I’m sorry?” he asked bemusedly.

Sirius rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers impatiently. “Open. Mouth. Now.”

He was supposed to be smart, Remus mused to himself. He truly was. So why was it that he saw no sign of such a thing when he unwittingly did exactly what the other boy said?

Sirius shoved something cold, metal, and slimy inside Remus’ open mouth and tapped his nose to make him close it again. Remus hesitantly moved his tongue around, attempting to figure out if Sirius had poisoned him or not.

He discovered quickly that the metal was actually a spoon, which Sirius promptly removed when he felt Remus’ tongue move. He explored what the utensil had left behind and found a nutty, salty, and slightly bittersweet flavour.

Remus swallowed and looked up at a grinning Sirius in surprise. “What was that?” he asked as his tongue travelled over his teeth, searching for any lingering flavour.

“Peanut butter and jelly,” Sirius replied, plopping down on the bed in front of Remus. “Good, yeah?”

“Very,” Remus agreed.

Sirius’ grin grew as he reached his hand back to grab Remus’ head and pulled him forward.

“Now,” he said, leaning in, “ **peanut butter and jelly time**.” His lips touched Remus’ and his tongue worked into the werewolf’s mouth, searching and savouring every last discovery. He pulled back after a long moment and smacked his lips. “Yummy. I can’t get enough.”

Remus eyed him. “Would that be me or the peanut butter?”

Sirius smirked and leaned forward again, pulling Remus back in for another kiss.


	12. Make Me a Sandwich

**12\. Make me a sandwich**

It was quiet within the dormitory; peacefully so. Remus breathed in deeply, enjoying it while it lasted, because really, he knew it wouldn’t for much longer. It never did.

There was a restless feeling throughout the entire room. It permeated the very air and made it so thick that it was almost suffocating.

As if on cue, Sirius leapt from his bed and proclaimed in his best whining tone, “I’m _bored_.”

James quickly followed and met him in the middle of the room. “Me too,” he whined as well.

Remus leaned back against his headboard and watched them in faint amusement. Both boys hopped from one foot to the other as their excess energy bubbled beneath the surface and threatened to spill over. Remus thought it was slightly comical the way their feet looked as though they were attempting to run off without the rest of their bodies.

“What are we even doing, sitting in here?” James screeched in outrage.

“Moony said he wasn’t going to do our homework for us anymore,” Peter said from his own bed, pulling his nose out of his Charms book, “so we have to do it ourselves because it’s due tomorrow and if it isn’t finished, McGonagall will turn us all into hedgehogs – remember her promising us that last time? – and she _scares_ me –“

“Shut _up_ , Wormtail,” Sirius said, scowling. “You’re babbling and McGonagall won’t really turn us into hedgehogs.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “What makes you so sure of that?” he asked. “She seemed fairly determined last time.”

Sirius turned to the werewolf and said smugly, “It’s against the rules for a professor to use Transfiguration as punishment.”

Remus smiled innocently. “Really?” At Sirius’ nod of confirmation, he shrugged. “I think she might make an exception for you three.”

Sirius frowned as James and he looked at each other in concern.

“Do you really think so?” James asked worriedly.

“Oh, yes,” Remus murmured gravely, attempting to contain his laughter.

James reached out and grabbed the collar of Sirius’ robe and pulled him forward forcefully. “I can’t be a hedgehog the rest of my life, mate,” he said desperately. “She’ll keep me and use me for lessons and let those slimy Slytherins rub their hands all over me as they try to turn me into a pin cushion, which I’m almost positive will _hurt like bloody hell_!”

Both Remus’ and Peter’s eyes widened as they watched Sirius’ head rock back and forth as James shook him. Sirius grabbed his friend’s hands and pried them from his robes as he huffed in annoyance.

“Oi, hands off the goods!” he snapped in irritation. “Only Moony’s allowed to touch, which is actually good because he’s more than decent at it and he doesn’t _manhandle_ me!”

James rolled his eyes and Remus saw Peter push his fingers into his ears as he started humming.

“I didn’t need to know any of that!” he cried. “What the two of you do in your spare time is absolutely _none_ of my business.”

Sirius waggled his eyebrows as he leaned over and pulled Peter’s fingers away. “Oh, if only you knew,” he whispered. “The temptation that can come over a man in mid-day when there’s no one else around. All alone in the dorm, you and James off somewhere else…The places we’ve done things. The bathroom, the wardrobe, the window, and even…” Sirius paused for dramatic effect and Peter leaned in with wide eyes. " _Your_ bed.”

Peter squawked and struggled free of Sirius’ grip, overbalancing in the process and rolling off the side of his bed. He hit the floor with a muffled thump and a whimper as Sirius cackled with triumphant glee.

“That’s enough, Sirius,” Remus scolded, shaking his head.

Sirius turned to him and pouted. “But, Moony, it’s so much fun to scare them like that.”

“And you do it more than enough,” the werewolf insisted. “Now, don’t you three have work to do?”

Sirius’ shoulders fell in defeat. “Bugger,” he complained.

Peter’s head appeared over the edge of his bed and he peered at them pleadingly. “He’s lying, right?” he asked tentatively. “You two didn’t _really_ do anything in my bed, did you?”

“I’m hungry,” James suddenly proclaimed. “I vote we make a quick run down to the kitchens for some sustenance.”

“And I agree,” Sirius said, aiming a mighty kick at his book-covered bed.

“You didn’t, right?” Peter asked again, voice squeaking slightly.

“Don’t you have work to do?” Remus said pointedly.

Sirius waved his hand flippantly. “McGonagall is not going to turn us into hedgehogs,” he stated surely. “Besides, we’ve been at it for _hours_ , Moony. Don’t we deserve a break?”

Remus gawked. “It has not been _hours_. You’ve been in here for thirty minutes and half of that time has been spent arguing.”

“Sirius, did you or did you not do something with Remus on my bed?” Peter asked, attempting to be intimidating. The other three boys ignored him.

“Details,” Sirius said flippantly to Remus, waving his hand again. “It _feels_ like hours and that’s what matters.”

Remus threw his head back in defeat. “Oh, go on with you, then,” he sighed, giving up. “But I am _not_ doing any of this work for the three of you.” He provided them all with a resolute glare before turning his attention back to his book.

“Right-o,” Sirius said, giving the werewolf a mock salute and a cheeky grin. James and he bounded to the door. “Want us to get you anything?”

“Yeah, **make me a sandwich** ,” he replied without looking up.

It was a long moment before he realised that he hadn’t heard the sounds of their feet trampling down the stairs. He glanced up to see James staring curiously at Sirius who had stopped in the doorway and was gazing at Remus oddly.

“What?” Remus asked, slightly bewildered.

Sirius’ eyebrows rose. “You want me to make you a sandwich?”

Remus’ eyes shifted from side to side. “Yes,” he answered hesitantly. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“Oh, no, not at all,” Sirius hurried to assure as he walked towards Remus’ bed. “I just wanted to be positive that was what you said before I did anything rash.”

Remus swallowed. “Rash?” he questioned, his eyes narrowing. “What are you talking about?”

Sirius didn’t answer. He simply leaned in and gently removed the book from Remus’ hands, closing and placing it on the bedside table just as easily. He then took two steps back, squared his shoulders, and pounced.

Remus’ back collided with the mattress with a groan of springs and a muffled exclamation from his own mouth. Sirius sprawled his body atop the werewolf’s and grinned down at him.

“ _What_ do you think you’re doing?” Remus demanded, struggling to breathe against the other boy’s deadweight.

“I’m making you a sandwich,” Sirius answered in delight, grinning wickedly. “A Remus Sandwich, to be exact.”

Across the room, James collapsed against the wall and howled with laughter as Remus struggled against Sirius.

Remus scowled. “It isn’t funny, Prongs!” he shouted. “Now come here and help get this mutt off me.”

“Oh, Remus,” Sirius cried out exaggeratedly, “you know just what to do and say to make my blood boil. Move those hips, you naughty beast!”

Remus fell completely still and Sirius pouted as the werewolf glared up at him. He saw James approach out of the corner of his eye and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Then, suddenly, to make matters much worse, there was the added weight of yet _another_ teenage boy on top of him.

“Let’s make it a double, shall we?” James said cheekily.

“If you lot don’t get off me _right now_ ,” Remus growled, “I will _personally_ turn each one of you into a hedgehog and happily _donate_ you to the Slytherins.”

James and Sirius simply laughed and smirked down at him.

As Remus lay beneath them, glaring for all he was worth, Peter’s shockingly shrill and panicked voice cut through the room.

“ _What_ did you do on my bed?"


	13. The Fat Lady

**13\. The Fat Lady**

 

“Come on, Remus, please?” Sirius begged, jogging to keep up with the werewolf’s brisk pace.

“No,” Remus said through gritted teeth as he rounded a corner in the corridor.

“It’ll be fun,” Sirius insisted.

Remus snorted. “With you, I have no doubt, but it will also be a disaster, just as your ideas often are.”

“That’s just cruel, Moony,” Sirius panted as he followed the other boy through a tapestry and into a passageway.

“That’s just truth, Padfoot,” Remus said with a smirk as they emerged on the seventh floor.

Sirius raced ahead of him and turned, walking backwards down the corridor. He gazed at Remus with his best puppy dog eyes. “Please,” he pleaded in a whining tone.

“No, Sirius,” Remus growled. “I will not allow you to cover me in whipping cream and then proceed to _lick_ it off. Think of the mess.”

“Well,” Sirius scoffed, “I have every intention of licking that clean as well.”

Remus sighed and shook his head. “Can we finish this in the dorm? We’re almost to the common room.”

“H – hello?” a voice called out tentatively.

Sirius’ eyes lit up with exuberant glee. “Well hello!” he chirped, gazing around the air in different directions. “Do we have a new ghost?”

Remus’ hand knocked into the side of Sirius’ head. “That was James, you dolt. Bloody fantastic best friend you make. You can’t even recognise his voice.”

Sirius frowned as he rubbed his head, his eyebrows arching. “James is a ghost?”

“I’m not a ghost!” James’ voice snapped. Remus peered around, attempting to determine where his friend was.

“Well, you _sound_ like a ghost,” Sirius remarked testily.

Remus stared at him in bewilderment. “How, exactly, does someone sound like a ghost?”

Sirius shrugged. “I dunno,” he replied. “They just do. Their voices get sort of muffled.”

“Padfoot, I am _not_ a ghost, damn it!” James shouted. Remus was still finding it impossible to locate him.

Sirius’ eyes narrowed. “Then why can’t I _see_ you?” he demanded.

There was a feeling of hesitation in the air as they waited for their friend’s response.

“Because I’m…hiding,” James finally replied in a low murmur.

“James, why in Merlin’s name are you hiding?” Remus asked in shock. Sirius’ head cocked to the side in puzzlement, his eyes still trained on the ceiling. Remus assumed he was still searching for ghosts.

“Look at me!” James cried. There was a sudden movement in the corner of Remus’ eye and his head snapped in the direction of the portrait guarding their common room. Both boys gaped in awe.

After a long moment, Sirius collapsed to the floor as he was overcome with great guffaws of laughter. James scowled and placed his hands on his hips. The motion only caused Sirius’ laughter to increase.

“Oh please, Prongs, don’t,” he exclaimed, tears of mirth pouring from his eyes. “It’s too much!”

“It isn’t funny,” James snapped.

Remus tried to contain his grin as he asked, “James, why are you, er…in a portrait?” He examined the boy for a moment and his amusement finally broke through. “And why are you dressed like the **Fat Lady**?”

James’ hands clenched at his sides as he stalked to the centre of the portrait and glared. The pink skirt of the dress swayed elegantly with the movement. A chuckle bubbled up from Remus’ throat and Sirius choked as he gasped for breath.

“So help me, if you two don’t stop laughing, just wait and see what _I_ do to you with whipping cream,” James hissed.

Sirius snorted as he stood. “Kinky,” he purred and James’ eyes narrowed.

“All right,” Remus intervened quickly, “that’s enough.” His gazed focused on James. “ _Why_ are you in there?”

James huffed as he crossed his arms and leaned against the frame. “Evans,” he replied sourly.

“Ah,” said Remus simply.

Sirius nodded, his lips still twitching. “Explains almost everything.”

“What did you do to her this time, James?” Remus sighed.

“I only asked her out!” James cried indignantly.

Remus’ eyebrows rose slightly and James scowled.

“And I gave her a flower,” he admitted. The werewolf’s eyebrows rose still higher. James scuffed the toe of his pointy pink shoe across the bottom of the portrait. “And I followed her through the castle.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and muttered sarcastically, “And we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen.”

“I hardly think I deserve _this_ ,” James scoffed. “Bloody demon woman, she cornered me and then told the **Fat Lady** to take a break. Then she charmed me into the portrait. _Without_ my wand, mind you.”

His eyes turned pleading as he gazed at Remus. “You have to help me get out of this thing,” he begged. “I can’t let people see me like this.”

Remus studied him for a silent moment before shaking his head. “I don’t think so, mate,” he said and James’ eyes widened in shock. “How many times have I warned you that stalking Lily will bring nothing good?”

James didn’t answer and his eyes moved to Sirius, who was smirking. He already knew, however, that if he could not convince Remus, he wouldn’t have any luck with Sirius, either. The boy enjoyed such things too much.

“What’s that saying?” Sirius murmured thoughtfully, his smirk turning into a grin. “Karma’s a bitch.” James glared at him. “Jobberknoll.”

James shouted in protest as the portrait swung open and the two boys walked past him. As they climbed through the hole, it closed behind them, effectively silencing James’ curses.

Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him towards the dormitory stairs. “So about that whipping cream…” he hedged.


	14. Firewhiskey

**14\. Firewhiskey**

Sirius yawned as he was slowly pulled from sleep and snuffled his nose into the soft flesh against his face. As he did so, his inner dog purred at the knowledge of just _who_ the flesh belonged to (and really, why his inner dog purred was a mystery to him as it was a _dog_ and not a _cat_ , but he was a bit beyond caring at that particular moment). The body pressed comfortably against his was warm and hard, but not _too_ hard. The bare skin against Sirius’ was smooth and silky-soft and smelled – well, to be honest, at that very moment it didn’t smell very wonderful. A heavy scent of stale alcohol, smoke, sweat, and other, more intimate smells wafted past Sirius’ nose. Normally, however, Sirius could argue that the body lying beside him had a glorious scent of chocolate, autumn leaves, and sunshine (and yes, sunshine did have a smell, thank you very much).

The entire end result to Sirius’ musings was one thought: Remus Lupin was purely perfect in every way imaginable. Even when he was passed out and snoring from a night of too much fun.

Sirius stretched, groaning low in his throat as his muscles pulled delectably. As he did so, he felt something cold, hard, and sharp jam into his back and he yelped slightly in surprise. “What the –?” he began to murmur as he rolled over, but stopped short and gawked at what laid on the mattress beside him.

He cocked his head and studied the object with narrowed, puzzled eyes as he felt Remus stir beside him. “P’dfoot?” he mumbled sleepily as he pushed himself against Sirius’ back. “What’re ya doin’? ‘S too early to be awake.”

Sirius’ mouth worked for a long moment before words finally managed to form on his tongue. “Any memory of what we did last night?” he asked lightly. Remus’ nose settled at the base of Sirius’ neck and if Sirius hadn’t been so shocked, he would have shivered in delight at the feel of air ghosting over his warm flesh.

“Mmm, what does it matter?” Remus complained, his voice slightly clearer as his hands began to slide down Sirius’ sides.

Sirius grabbed the object and rolled so that he was facing Remus, earning a generous grope to his arse from Remus’ wandering hands. He held the object up and watched as Remus yawned before he glanced at what Sirius was showing him. He blinking rapidly, attempting to focus his eyes as he stared at the very sharp, very pointy, very _bright_ pink, high-heeled shoe.

“Are you trying to give me a hint, Sirius?” he asked flatly. “I’m all for your kinky fantasies, but there is no hope of you ever getting me to where a pair of those, regardless of what you promise in return.”

Sirius scowled. “No, you prat,” he said with a huff. “It was in the bed. Where did it come from?”

“Bugger if I know,” Remus replied with a shrug. “Maybe it was James’ drunken idea of a joke. Last I remember he was fairly pissed.”

“We all were, Moony,” Sirius admitted. He threw the sheets away from his body and over Remus’ head as he crawled from the bed, much to the discontent of his boyfriend. “Oi, Prongs! Time to wake up and do a bit of explaining, mate!” Sirius jerked the hangings around James’ four poster apart and, again, stopped and simply stared in shock.

James lay sprawled atop his sheets, his head at the foot of his bed and his feet at the top, wearing nothing but his broom-printed pants and covered in something dark red and sticky looking. Sirius felt Remus stop at his side and knew the other boy was gaping as well.

“What the bloody hell did we _do_ last night?” Remus murmured in amazement.

James groaned and wiggled a bit as he brought his hands up to cover his ears defensively. “Merlin, you two are _loud_ ,” he grumbled into the mattress.

“James, did you _murder_ someone last night?” Sirius asked bluntly.

James cracked one eye open and peered up at Sirius fuzzily. “What are you talking about?”

Remus’ head suddenly snapped to the side and his eyes narrowed as he stared at the window. Sirius gazed at him curiously. Remus shook his head after a moment and said, “Sorry. I just thought I saw something.”

“That’s brilliant, Moony,” Sirius scoffed. “But do you maybe think there’s something a bit more important going on right now than a ruddy owl? Like the fact that our best mate has bloody _murdered_ someone!”

James groaned. “I didn’t murder anyone, Padfoot,” he mumbled, burying his head in his sheets.

“Then why are you covered in blood?” Sirius asked.

“I’m not covered in blood!” James shouted, sitting straight up in his bed.

Sirius merely pointed at his friend’s chest smugly. James looked down and blinked blindly at his body. Remus located the boy’s glasses and handed them to James. As their friend settled them back on his nose, Sirius and Remus continued to stare at James with mixed horror and curiosity. 

Once James was properly positioned, he glanced back down at his chest and started violently. His hands began to push at the mattress as he shoved himself backwards until he met the edge and toppled over it, a loud thump sounding as he hit the floor and groaned again. Sirius and Remus continued to stand and stare.

“Little help?” James’ voice emerged from the other side of the bed. His friends didn’t move. James’ arm suddenly appeared on the mattress as he levered himself up and glared at the two other boys. “Thanks loads, you two.”

James finally managed to seat himself on his bed again and his hand hovered over his skin as though he wanted to pick at the goop that coated him, but wasn’t exactly willing to. He glanced at his friends with owlish eyes and his hand waved over his body. “I didn’t murder anyone,” he pleaded. He looked down at his chest again and added, “I don’t think.”

Sirius had a sudden burst of inspiration. “Maybe you didn’t!” he said excitedly and Remus raised his eyebrows, causing Sirius’ mood to shift. “What I mean is that maybe you finally pushed Lily too far and she was forced to take violent measures. Severing spell gone awry and she ended up cutting off one of your legs instead of your head.”

James peered at him over the tops of his glasses frames, his eyes relating just how large of an idiot he thought Sirius was. “I still have all my limbs, Sirius,” he stated flatly.

Sirius smirked. “Maybe she did hit the right head,” he said in amusement.

James’ brow furrowed for a brief moment before his eyes widened and he blushed. “That’s still there too, you wanker!”

Remus smacked the back of Sirius’ head. “Stop it, Pads, and be serious.” Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus spoke over him. “Don’t even,” he warned and Sirius deflated.

“All right, so no,” Sirius said before picking back up. “Maybe she was aiming for you and you moved, so she hit someone else!”

“Lily did _not_ kill anyone, Sirius,” Remus sighed.

“That you know of,” Sirius muttered and Remus rolled his eyes. “That shoe wasn’t covered with blood, was it?”

Remus ignored him. “What we need to figure out is how you got covered in it,” he mused.

“Can we also figure out why I smell like…cherries?” James said as he sniffed at his arm.

“Who could it possibly – Wait, what?” Remus asked in surprise, cutting his own self off. “You smell like cherries?”

“Well, yeah, I…” James began, but he trailed off as Remus leaned down and tracked a finger through the sticky substance. He then raised the finger to his mouth and popped it in, quickly sucking the goop off. James’ eyes widened. “Eurgh, Moony, that’s disgusting!”

Sirius’ eyes tracked Remus’ hand in amazement. “I dunno. I think it was kind of sexy.” His comment was met with silence and he glanced up to see James staring at him in horror. “Only in a kinky sort of way!” Sirius shouted defensively.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re covered in cherry pie filling, Prongs, not blood,” he explained.

“Really?” James asked hopefully. When Remus nodded, James sighed. “Well, that’s a relief.”

“Yes, it is,” Remus agreed. “Now, go clean up while Sirius and I search for Peter.”

Sirius’ eyebrows rose in surprise. “What d’you mean, search for Peter?”

Remus stared at Sirius in exasperation. “Have you not noticed that he’s missing?” Sirius shrugged and Remus rolled his eyes. “Look, let’s just –“ He stopped suddenly as his gaze moved back to the window.

“Rem?” Sirius asked in bemusement. When Remus gave no response, Sirius huffed in annoyance. “Are you watching for that bloody bird again?”

Remus waved him off. “I keep seeing something outside the window.” He turned to Sirius quickly just as the boy was opening his mouth. “And it isn’t an owl!” he snapped before Sirius could speak.

Sirius pouted and dropped down beside his bed as Remus made his cautious way to the window. As he landed on the floor, his eye caught sight of something light blue and sparkling beneath his mattress. Reaching for it, Sirius’ skin contacted something so soft, he wanted to make it into a second skin. Pulling it up before his eyes and stretching it out, Sirius’ stomach flipped and then dropped.

“Oh, I don’t like this,” he muttered. “I don’t like this at all.”

“What’s wrong now, Sirius?” Remus asked wearily, turning back to face him.

Sirius held up the powder blue skirt for Remus’ examination. “One of us is never leaving this room again,” he said weakly. “I just haven’t figured out who it is yet.”

Remus swallowed and opened his mouth to say something on the subject when there was a great thump against the window glass, causing him to jump in fright. James, who had still been seated on his bed, idly drawing faces in the cherry goop on his chest, squealed in surprise and fell backwards off his bed again. Sirius would have laughed, but truth be told, he was rather horrified by the pale face pressed against the outside of the window.

“ _Peter_?” Remus gasped out, clutching his chest. Peter’s finger moved the smallest amount to peck against the glass. Remus immediately bounced into action, reaching for the latch and opening the window, slowly pulling his friend inside. “What in Merlin’s name were you doing out there?” he asked as he motioned for Sirius to help him.

As Sirius and Remus guided a shivering Peter to his bed and wrapped blanket upon blanket around him, Peter held up a finger and pointed to his chattering teeth. Remus left for a moment and returned quickly with his wand in hand, casting a warming charm over their cold friend. Peter slowly relaxed as the heat worked away his chill, and when he was ready to release his grip on the blankets somewhat, he finally turned to the others (James having crawled across the floor to sit at the side of Peter’s bed) and glared.

“I was out there because of _you_ lot,” he accused waspishly. He pointed at Sirius. “You said you were hungry last night, and wouldn’t let the subject drop until Prongs started whining along with you. You finally forgot about it, dealing with Moony or something, but James wouldn’t stop talking about being hungry.” Peter shook his blankets loose and rounded on James. “I told you I’d go down to the kitchens and get you something. You said you wanted cherry pie, but only the good part. When I came back with the filling, you started shouting that I’d forgotten part of it. When I said something about ‘the good part’, you told me that the entire pie was the good part!” Peter shouted, throwing his arms into the air angrily. “So, I threw it on you and told you to get stuffed. After that, you started whining to Moony about what a horrible friend I was, wasting good pie by throwing it on you, so _you_ –“ He turned an accusing finger on a startled Remus. “—levitated me by my ankle and pushed me out the window, locking it after you did. Let me out there all night. I’m bloody frozen!”

There was silence in the room for a long while before James muttered, “Well, that explains the pie filling, at least.”

Sirius pounced on Peter. “Wormtail, you don’t happen to remember anything else that happened last night, do you?” he asked pleadingly.

“I remember everything,” Peter answered smugly, “because unlike you lot, I wasn’t completely pissed.”

“Think you could, er…tell me what I did?” said Sirius sweetly.

Peter eyed him for a brief moment before his lips quirked up wickedly. “Nope,” he replied, burying himself beneath the blankets of his bed.

“Aw, come on, Pete,” Sirius whined. “I’m sorry Moony threw you out the window last night, but it wasn’t me who did it! Why do I get punished?”

Peter ignored him and Sirius huffed in frustration. Just as he was about to go back in for round two, there was the sound of a throat clearing behind them. Four sets of eyes glanced around and landed on the open dormitory door, Lily Evans watching them with amused eyes. James yelped upon seeing her, and quickly dove beneath Peter’s bed to hide his un-clothed form.

“Lily,” Remus greeted in bemusement.

Sirius’ nose twisted. “What d’you want, Evans?”

“Oh, just thought I’d check in and see how you four were fairing,” she answered angelically. There was a gleam in her eyes that Sirius didn’t trust and his stared at her disbelievingly.

“You’re lying,” he stated matter-of-factly. “You’re here for another reason.”

Evans’ lips pulled up into a devilish smile. “Well, Black, now that you mention it, I was rather curious to see whether you were finished with my clothing or not?” She pulled a handful of white squares from her pocket and fanned them in front of her face. “Not that it matters, really. I’ve got enough photographic evidence to make myself a career in blackmail.”

Sirius’ mouth gaped open as Evans flashed him a picture of himself, dressed in high-heeled pink shoes, power blue, shimmering skirt, and a flowered purple top, strutting like a model around the common room. His cheeks flushed red as his heart exploded in horror.

“You know what?” Evans said. “Keep it all. I have to admit, you looked much better in it than I _ever_ would have.” With one large burst of laughter, Evans turned and walked from the room, taking her photographs with her.

Sirius turned to an equally horrified Remus. “We are never drinking **Firewhiskey** ever again,” he said solemnly.

Three voices chorused together, two slightly muffled, “Agreed.”


End file.
